Mommy Olympics

Here are the upcoming events in Mommy Olympics 2010 hosted right here in the blistery town of Roanoke, VA. It's no Vancouver, but I guarantee it's in a league of its own.

Diaper discus- Begin this activity from the same starting point each time. I suggest the top of the stairs. Simply toss the dirty diaper down the stairs and measure your distance. (Since my house includes curves in the staircase, I start from Chase's changing table upstairs in his roomand try to throw a curve-diaper around the corner and down the stairs. I've never actually made it to the bottom. I'm not sure if it's scientifically possible, but I like to try.) Anyone considering pre-trials should focus on biceps, triceps, and even some abdominal crunches for the instances you have to bend down to pick up the diaper because it doesn't make it to the pail.

Belly balance -(This would actually qualify as a summer Olympic sport as it does not involve ice or snow though it could if performed outside during the winter months). In this sport, you need a baby bump (sorry all you non-preggos) and you must balance one infant on your belly-which contains another baby. Skilled belly-balancers can balance multiple children on their belly without passing out from inability to breathe. This requires strong core muscles such as abdominals, obliques, etc. Even though the stomach muscles are key to qualifying for the Olympic trials, don't be alarmed if your belly seems to get bigger each month. That makes you the perfect candidate!

Speed Sweep- This is similar to speed skating as it does involve speed, agility, and leaning as you make circular motions around the rink to clean up all of the toys. Expert speed sweepers can clean an entire toy room in less than 30 seconds and less than 3 orbits around the rink. Perhaps a gold tipped glove may make you fast as Apolo Ohno!

Kitchurling- This one is not as familiar to most, because it requires a canine who is in shedding season. A feline can also be substituted for the canine, but the judges will take a 1 point deduction (as felines are partially self-cleaning). This can be a winter sport, depending on how wet the kitchen floor is from slobbery bulldogs. You only need a broom to move the animal hair into a ball. Use of vacuum will also result in a 1 pt. deduction as less bending is required, however your overall score takes speed into account. The bigger the hairball, the more force needed in your lumbar to do the bending. Mimmick the sweeping action as seen in curling towards your partner a.k.a the trash can. Your partner's fixed position is an asset to those liking predictability. If you are a risk-taker, than kitchen curling is not for you. Try mom-moguling!!

Mom-moguling- This extreme sport is the most versatile of all sports in Mommy Olympics. This sport is all about survival. There are jumps and bumps, slim visability and slick spots. (And taking a spill can be devastating to your finish.) Picture yourself with all your gear nearby: bottle, sippy cup, snack grabber, diaper, changing pad, pacifier, age-appropriate toys. Your goals is to glide downhill through the 5 o'clock flag finish. However there is a catch. Several catches, actually. Every 3 seconds you encounter a massive bump in the slope that threatens to throw you full speed to the ground. This could be any number of obstacles but they all require mom-like precision and attention to detail while also mandating absolute flexibility during your entire 8 hour stretch. (Most of us agree that it's more like a 12+ hour stretch as one does not take off their skiis simply because it's 5 o'clock.) Though mom-moguling appears to focus on cadence, a true mom-moguler can balance that with endurance and cat-like reflexes to absorb all the bumps along the path. If you've ever seen a mom-moguler towards the end of her course, you can imagine the absolute exhaustion. And if you survive, and the pig-tails stay poised on your head, give yourself the gold!

SOVA sledding- And finally you come to the most dangerous event there is! (This one is a spectator sport, as I do not participate more than to laugh at the athletes.) Of course this does not require that you be a Mom, a Bob, or an owner of a ginormous SUV; but there is one requirement to compete: you must SOVA- Seriously Overestimate your Vehicle's Ability (to drive in snow). As long as you fit into this category, you may attempt whatever feat you choose and in whatever vehicle your heart fancies. Be it a front-wheel drive sportscar that slams on breaks just in time miss the guard rail, a rear-wheeled honda attempting to steer up our hill, or a 4WD (who in my opinion make the best SOVA candidates) that wrecklessly careens towards our house just in time to miss the fire hydrant- any of these will do! The more mismatched the car and the more ridiculous the feat the higher the score!

So there you have it!