"Just when I thought...."

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Dumb and Dumber (ok, so those that know me are saying "many of them are from Dumb and Dumber, Krisha"). "Just when I thought you couldn't be any dumber, you go and do something like this. And TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF."

I have to start out a heavy-heart blog with a little bit of humor, right? I've had many thoughts over the past years. But since I've had children, since I've been married, since I've recently traveled to some far out places, since I've lived abroad on my own in VZ, since I've had the commuting/working long hours in a big city and now the stay-at-home mom in a small city life; since I've turned 30, I am realizing that life is so so different than what I thought. For example, everyone (myself included) thinks that they have certain standards until their circumstances change and they are forced to revise their standards. But the issue is that most of us are busy trying to control our circumstances so that revision is never needed.

One example I faced years ago when I was living as a single overseas was my standard of eating. I always told myself that I not only liked healthy food because it's healthy but also because it tasted good. That is it worth the money to have fresh fruit and veg and that I would eat less quantity if I had to make up for not having the money to always buy it. But then when you live in a place where the country's resources don't allow you to have that standard - what do you do? What do you do if you go to the market and they don't have fresh fruit and no one culturally eats raw vegetables and thus you can't find them? Do you pay exorbitant amounts to have people ship things to you? Do you go to a bigger city? Because then you are breaking your standard of "I just can't live with myself paying $8 for 3 pieces of fruit." Or maybe you are breaking your acculturation standard of: "here I am trying to be one with the people and I am putting up a cultural barrier by leaving the town to get better groceries because their groceries aren't good enough" just to satisfy your other standard of "I will eat healthy no matter what"!! Have you ever been in a place where your standards seem to be at war?

We recently took a trip overseas to a place where my standards of hygiene and safety were completely at war with my standards of culture (and being that ethnocentric American who thinks our country is the best in everything). I HATE the thought of being that ethnocentric American. I know, deep down, I am very American and yet I always sought to respect other cultures and their differences.... or so I thought. Heck, we ALL think that of ourselves until we put ourselves in these situations where we have to choose between standards. The reality is most of us avoid putting ourselves in any situation where we would compromise any of our standards.

I kept asking if it just plain wrong or "different" that there is no sewage systems and that babycarseats cannot be found (much less seat belts). I had to laugh at the traffic conductor who was waving a wand while cars, buses, CNG's, rickshaws, and (in my opinion) very brave pedestrians were crossing without even acknowledging the stoplights much less the baton-guy. We joked that perhaps he was fanning himself. There was one point in the trip where we were in a motorized rickshaw and my husband says "hey wifey, you'd better lock your door." And my response was "Umm.. I don't have a door." I had to laugh out loud at the point. Our American mind thinks "control" and "safety- first!" And it just didn't seem to mesh with the Eastern relativism of "anything goes" and "who needs rules?"

My point is that we always see ourselves in a better light until we are in those hard and often dark circumstances. If anyone has read "The Life of Pi," you get my gist. (He' appalled with the thought of killing ANYTHING whether animal or human or insect. But after enough starvation and survival, Pi must choose to revise.) Anyone can claim to have a heart for the poor and homeless until you go to Asia and are confronted with too many beggars to count. All of us think we are compassionate (especially to the handicapped or the mentally challenged) until you are presented with the question of whether or not you will house this homeless person or special needs person in the room next to your infant. Most of us would be okay with living under our means and using some of our savings to help the community in some way, right? But there is ALWAYS A LINE WE DRAW.
We want to be generous, but not when our own security is at stake. We want our children to be around kids of other socioeconomic classes and yet we don't want the issues that come with that (that they may pick up bad habits or be exposed to things we don't approve of). We pride ourselves as Americans who LOVE freedom and "don't judge." But how many of us can honestly put ourselves (or better yet choose to put ourselves) in a place where we are willing to sacrifice our own freedom for the sake of others?

Everytime I venture overseas (no matter what the culture- LatinAmerica, SE Asia, or wherever), I am reminded by how all of us seek to control our circumstances, uphold our standards, and avoid anything that may make us question- why do I have this standard? And what am I living this way for? That is NOT to say we should live without standards. But our hearts are definitely opposed to analyzing our standards and the reasons behind them. We don't like too much introspection because with it come the skeletons in our closet. Why not just stay right where we are and never change anything? Wouldn't that make like much simpler? After all, simplicity is what we are going for in life, right? (read with sarcasm)

• As a high schooler, I had the standard that I'd definitely have a phD of some sort by the time I had a family. After all, I defined myself by my academic achievements and my ability to scale the ladder and prove myself. (On a funny note, a fellow high school grad asked me at my 10th year reunion what I did now. He said "Krisha was like the smartest person in our class. Are you like a doctor now?" Then I told him I stay at home with my children. He was shocked!)
  
• As a college student, I thought I'd perfectly balance my friends, family, spiritual life, etc. I had the standard of reading every book in every textbook and appreciating what my parents made possible for me when they put me through college. I had the standard of ALWAYS taking time to celebrate birthdays. I had the standard of always having some exercise outlet. I had the standard of always taking time to encourage friends. I thought myself an excellent communicator..... then ....I got married!! Boy, do I think differently of myself now!
• Seminary came and the standard I had of "I will never commute more than 30 min. or pay tolls to earn a wage" went out the window. The standard of "I will use my college degree and press on for a further degree" was set aside for the sake of supporting my family. (I guess I can at least say we kept our "no debt" standard).
  
• But even that was challenged when we left seminary, jobless and with a newborn. All the planning we did to ensure financial security while starting a family seemed thrown out the window by uncontrollable circumstances. Our standard of "why rent when it's so much smarter to buy as long as you don't incur debt" was put on hold as we continued renting. Even my "I will never allow myself to be at home with a kid and without a car" (just for safety reasons) was compromised in efforts to live off of one car while we secured jobs. The standard of "I have always and will always keep up with cleaning my car and I refuse to be a bad steward of the few things that I own" (as I never pay for carwashes or things I can do myself) morfed into a dirty car over the years where the side paneling is falling off. I guess I didn't give in and pay $ to have it cleaned, but I cringe at the duct tape and think "how tacky" and yet "how far I've come Lord to letting go of things my pride held onto." God has surely been gracious to me. He's provided a way for us to exercise back when we lacked finances to belong to a gym; He's allowed us to invest our $ in a home rather than rent. He's provided clothing for our kids... I've learned that there's no shame in hand-me-downs and even though I still value dressing nicely, I can let it go if my kids don't have the most modern outfits for the sake of saving some $. I've learned to borrow and trade and coupon, rather than just buy. All that said, I'm still in process of revising my standards. I haven't arrived yet, nor will I ever this side of heaven. I still wrestle with the fact that my car does not have a means to which I can play music other than radio. Pretty cheesy right? But hey I grew up with a family who loves music and you'd think every car would have the ability to play a CD or ipod even if you use an adapter, right? Nope. 90's tapedeck here. Sounds like pacman is on a crunching spree in between every music note. The key is to insert and eject the adapter tape at least 3 times and then the volume chimes in. But anyways, would I have ever stood for this before? My pride still struggles not to care what I have. Not to care what people think. Not to compare! (yep, I'm female) Not to put so much emphasis on the temporal when there is an eternity out there that needs to be lived for God's glory starting now!
  

I thought I'd end with this quote:
"I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please. Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant. I want ecstasy, not transformation. I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please."-- Wilbur Rees

Hopefully you see the context is not literal. Rather it's poking at how LITTLE we DESIRE GOD. It's really convicting and when I read it, I thought "how awful." But I think that conviction can be taken two ways:
Option 1) We see something convicting and say "that's terrible. Well, I'm definitely not in THAT category" and we start to self-justify how are aren't really THAT bad or how we don't need to repent or allow God to change us because we really aren't that bad and we resent anything that makes us feel convicted by saying "I will not feel guilty. There is no need for me to change. I am just fine the way I am!"
OR
Option 2) We see something convicting and go "wow. Lord. Yep. Guilty." But it doesn't end there. We don't stay in our guilt. We confess. We "own it." We man up or in my case "woman up." And say, "God I surrender." I need You to grow my heart to care about You above all things. And we are forgiven. And He gives us strength to change.

So back to the beginning quote. We don't "totally redeem ourselves." Christ can. And does.

Come Ye Sinners (2 stanzas from my favorite Hymn ever)

"Come, ye weary, heavy laden, Bruised and broken by the fall; If you tarry 'til you're better, You will never come at all. Not the righteous, not the righteous; Sinners Jesus came to call. Let not conscience make you linger, Nor of fitness fondly dream; All the fitness He requireth Is to feel your need of Him. This He gives you, this He gives you, 'Tis the Spirit's rising beam."